Out the Window

The drive for teens to socialize has always led to stupid and risky behaviors, but the added layer of COVID has taken things to a new level of ridiculous. We’ve previously experienced the “out the basement window,” poorly hatched escape plans. Footprints on the windowsill, screens left off, pillowcases placed on the rocks like lily pads to protect feet and minimize noise. As it turns out, it was as much about smuggling kids into the house as escaping. The latest and most outrageous episode was leveled against the grandparents (Mimi and Muppy) who thankfully aren’t as naive as our teen assumed. Desperation comes to mind when my husband gets a midnight text, “dad I jumped out the window to hang out with friends, I’ll be back at 1:00,” followed by a phone call asking me to “talk to Muppy to tell him it’s okay that he’s coming home later.” Why does this never end? All we asked for was two frickin days, but OH NO he couldn’t make it more than 24 hours without testing the boundaries of common sense. I’ve got to give credit to the grandparents who sniffed out his plan. The first red flag was he actually arrived home on-time, then says he’s going to bed which was the second red flag. He proceeds to stuff a body-size pillow under the covers and climbs out the second story bedroom window to jump off the roof. Keeping in mind, this is days before a very important recruiting lacrosse tournament. WHY CAN’T WE EVER GET A BREAK? Of course, we tell him to get his ass home STAT and he does. I remind him this is your dad’s 50th birthday and all we wanted as a gift was for you to behave.  We go through the typical roller coaster of emotions starting with disbelief, moving quickly to white hot rage, then to some weird state of acceptance as we remind ourselves that teenagers are basically brain stems with zero ability to see beyond the moment. Then we settle on the realization that we are totally fucked for the foreseeable future.